Being Independent and Interdependent, but not Co-dependent
By Beth Burns
I was communicating with a wise friend and we were talking about
relationships. We were talking about romantic relationships at the time,
but after thinking about it, the exchange we shared could be true of any
significant relationship … between friends, co-workers, employees, and
parents with children.
We all want healthy, happy relationships in which we fully express who we
are and we want the other person to authentically express who he/she is. I
mentioned that the end result is that we want to be "INDEPENDENT,
INTERDEPENDENT BEINGS WITHOUT BEING CODEPENDENT." Yikes! What the heck
does that mean? OK, I admit, it's a little "coachy" sounding, but let me
explain what I mean here.
By INDEPENDENT, I mean that each one of us can function as a self-reliant
person. We are aware of what our special gifts are and who we are in
relation to ourselves, to others, and to God. We know we are unique
individuals who are free to be who we want to be. By trusting that we are
wonderful just as we are (although always a work in progress), we make a
valuable contribution to the world.
Our independence and acceptance of responsibility allows us to have
boundaries in place that help others know how to respond to us and know
what is acceptable for us. Autonomy allows us to safely, fully express our
needs and desires to those we are in relation with.
By INTERDEPENDENCE, I mean that we all need other people. Even though we
are independent beings, we are not meant to be alone. We are all
interrelated and everyone needs to feel needed. You have your gifts and
other people have theirs. Why not leverage the odds and work together to
support one another? Interdependence is your connection with others. It's
often the measuring stick for the quality of your life. How well you can
relate and how comfortable others feel relating to you is crucial for a
joyful life. Your interactions and communication together can create
extraordinary outcomes!
Some people may feel that needing others is a sign of weakness, but with
interdependence, the essence is really about working with a partner (or
team) toward a common goal. It's empowering and it's a choice born of
strengths and respect. Interdependence is wanting the best for others
…valuing, trusting and cherishing their unique abilities, while still
being secure about your own.
On the other hand, there is CODEPENDENCY. Co-dependency allows the actions
of others to determine the quality of our life. It is based on
self-limiting beliefs and care-taking of others with little regard for
yourself. I believe most of us want to please others and can, therefore,
be categorized as co-dependent to a certain degree, but I am describing
something far more oppressing here.
Earnie Larsen, an expert in co-dependency, describes it as: "Those
self-defeating, learned behaviours that result in a diminished capacity to
initiate or participate in loving relationships." I always think of
co-dependency as loving others more than we love ourselves. While I will
agree that being of service to others is of the utmost importance, being
singularly focused on others with little regard for the gift that YOU are
is not what God intended for us. In the Bible (see Leviticus 19:18, Mark
12:31 and Romans 13:9), we are charged to "love our neighbours AS
OURSELVES."
Therefore, the objective remains "INDEPENDENT INTERDEPENDENCE WITHOUT
CODEPENDENCY." Take an honest look at your relationships, both personally
and professionally. Are you being responsible in your relations? What
actions can you take to improve on them? The only way to make things
better is to be aware, acknowledge and then act. Action is the key to
changing the way things are and the gateway to something even better. And
you definitely deserve that!
About the author: Beth Burns is a Professional Life
Coach -- partnering with motivated people on their personal and
professional goals. Her mission is to teach people to love themselves and
to love the life they create. She offers two free email newsletters and
can be visited on the web at
www.BrightSideCoaching.com She can also be reached by email at
Beth@BrightSideCoaching.com |