The Power of An Apology
By Candy Tymson
The call for an apology when someone feels they have been unjustly
treated has become a major issue in our society today. Already this year
we’ve had the Govenor General, a Senator, the Church and many more making
public apologies for their actions (or inaction) - so why is an apology so
important?
And why is it that most people feel they need to justify their position
when really all the other person is looking for is an apology? They don’t
care why you did it - they just want you to acknowledge the impact your
behaviour had on them.
I know a man who has been in personal conflict for some 18 years. It
first started when he was a teenager and just seemed to get worse and
worse. Do you know someone like that? No offer of assistance helped.
Personal development programs just seemed to make him unhappier and so he
turned to drugs for relief from his pain - and the downward spiral began …
Many years later the time had come when my friend felt that he was
ready to confront the issues and so a meeting was set up between him and
his father. My friend was feeling angry, and was also nervous about how
the meeting would go, so he sought my support to mediate the session. (I
must confess I was also feeling anxious about how it would go!)
Meet in a Neutral Environment
The meeting took place in a neutral environment, a park. After allowing
his son time to speak, uninterrupted, about how he felt and what had
troubled him for so many years, the father said: “Son, I apologise for not
being there when you needed me. I am so sorry that I was so caught up with
my career that I wasn’t there for you. I truly do love you - can you
forgive me?”
It was miraculous. All he wanted to hear was that his Dad was sorry and
that he loved him. They hugged, and for the first time in years, really
started to talk.
The apology created the space for other issues to be discussed in a
rational manner. They talked about things that had happened and what it
meant to them both at the time. The father discovered that his son had
been hurt by certain incidents and actions of which he wasn’t aware - and
an understanding resulted.
Is An Apology Needed?
In business too, we often do things that are inappropriate or upsetting
to someone else. We may criticise someone’s work in front of their
colleagues; miss an important deadline; let others down by not doing what
we said we would do; say something hurtful - in the guise of “I was just
joking”.
It’s not easy to apologise but the results can be very powerful.
Try this:
Meet in a neutral place
Let them talk, and really listen
Don’t justify your position
Seek clarity if needed
Apologise and ask for their forgiveness
“WHEN WE QUARREL, HOW WE WISH WE HAD BEEN BLAMELESS”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Let Them Talk & Really Listen
Have you noticed that when you are really mad that often all you want
is to be heard? When I run customer service training programs this is the
first thing we talk about in handling complaints. Just let the person get
it out! Give them room to discharge their emotions and respect their need
to communicate their feelings. It’s surprising how often it happens that
once they have “got it off their chest”, the issue no longer has the
emotional charge it had and a solution can be worked out.
Seek Clarity
Often we are surprised by what others say and genuinely had no idea
that our behaviour had offended. At these times it is good to ask
appropriate questions to clarify what is being said. You could say: “let
me check with you if ….” or “is what you are saying …?”
There is often a tendency to take things personally by reacting
emotionally to what is being said - and doesn’t this just makes the
situation worse? What impressed me about the man and his father was that
the conversation took place in an environment of respect. No one was
accusing the other - they were simply seeking clarification as to how it
was for the other person, and that really worked.
Asking for Forgiveness
“But why should I apologise and ask for forgiveness - it wasn’t my
fault”. How often do you hear people saying that! The truth is, often it
wasn’t their fault - it was the other person reacting in a way that they
may not have expected. (I came across this definition of forgiveness the
other day and thought it was great: “Forgiveness could be defined as
giving up all hope for a better tomorrow”). Be honest, how often do you
think of the other person’s needs and concerns before you take action?
When do you stop to think about the words you use and the impact they may
be having?
Is there someone who you owe an apology? Whether it’s a big thing or
just a small incident, have the courage to apologise - it has the power to
change your relationship forever.
About the author: Candy Tymson is an expert on
business communication, based in Sydney, Australia. Her latest project is
a workshop, tape series and book on "Gender Games: Doing Business
with the Opposite Sex". Check her website for other resources on
effective communication at: www.tymson.com.au
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